Sometimes I wonder…

I know that the past is the past. But sometimes I wonder; what if I would’ve kept my mouth shut about my pregnancy when it came to my mother? What if I went to the Army base in Texas with my then bf? What if I married him and we raised our child together, knowing deep down that I was a lesbian? What if I took up another major in school? What if I chose an easier career goal? What if? It just seems like everyone is starting new lives and I’m standing still. I mean I’m job hunting for that graphic design position, I’m freelancing, I’m marketing myself and I’m still feeling like a failure. My peers are getting married and starting families. And to think, I almost had that. It kind of makes me wonder, “what am I doing?” I don’t want to be married to a man but I want a child. Three to be exact. I still have to get my shit together though. I want to get my legit graphic design job, I want to expand on my clientele, I want to save, and I want to start a family (whether I’m in a relationship or not). I’m tired of feeling like I’m not up to par. I know God has things set up for me so I’m going to keep doing me and hopefully all will come together soon enough. Just thought I’d vent a little.

I was born gay, but living the lifestyle was definitely a choice.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy and content with my decision to live life as a lesbian. The truth is , I wasn’t always ‘out’.  I knew I was attracted to females ever since I was young. I can remember as far back as Kindergarten. I was in love with my teacher and one of my classmates. I always wanted to dress like my brother and have my hair braided like, Da Brat. Lol   Once I started getting older, I realized that the girl crushes and wanting to dress like a boy was ‘bad’. So I started to pretend to like boys and dress a little more girly so I could fit in.  Being a girl, you grow up playing house  and other little games, have sleepovers, etc.  Me and my friends played house and we’d take turns being the mommy and the daddy. We’d make babies. I know, I know…’Where were the parents?’ But the crazy thing is my friends never felt any kind of way about it. We never really talked about the games that we played or anything. My girl crushes came on strong by the time I attended High School. Every girl I called my ‘best friend’ was another crush. Before I moved to another state, I finally wanted to come out to my friends. I still wasn’t ready to tell them that I was a lesbian, so I told them I was bisexual. I wanted to see how they’d take it. They took it easier than I expected. Doesn’t everyone before you actually have a relationship. People are funny. Anyways, even though I came out to my friends, I was still one foot in the closet. After being in a new city and state, I started feeling more comfortable with my sexuality, to the point that I told people that I met. After getting to know them of course. I met a few people and I started to find a real confidant in a guy that I attended night school with. After a while we’d hangout  out of school. We had a really close yet platonic relationship. He like every other guy thinks he has a dick of gold. He asked if we could try a relationship, since we already had great friendship. I fell for it, but it actually was the longest relationship that I’ve ever had. 4 years! It was a good run. Mostly it lasted because I loved him as a person and vice versa. But the true lesbian inside of me just won’t quit. I  had to end it and I’ve been ‘out’ ever since. I broke that closet door back in Spring of  ’08.  I’m so glad I did. Even though I lost  many friends and some of my family relationships are a bit iffy, it does get better.

 

 

 

Flashback

Hate it when Im minding my business and going about my day, I have a sudden (negative) flashback of my past. Then out of nowhere I’m pissed. I go over arguments and differnt events in my head. Then I calm down a little and pray. Pray for all the negative thoughts and negative things that went on in my life to go away. I thank God that when I go through these flashbacks that noone is around me. I wouldn’t want to take my sudden anger out on anyone. I just had a flashback so that’s why I’m posting now. Please don’t judge. I know that there has to be other ppl that goes through this sometimes. Right?

Some dudes marry dudes & women do it too!

 

So I love the fact that he has this shirt on. His face looks like he’s disgusted, but he’s wearing it so…. Anyways I never pegged him as either a gay man or gay supporter but…idk I’m just glad he’s wearing it for all to see and swallow that pill. I want one of these shirts! So yea, get over it bc while you guys (Hets) are sitting there saying how wrong it is, we are living our lives being proud and out. How you like them apples?! Ha!

When someone says…

‘I’m 4 things; Cherokee Indian, Italian, trinadadian, and whatever the fuck!’ I just look at my skin complexion,compare and contrast. Nigga you’re black! All of what you just named are nationalities not race, you fucking idiot. When job apps ask for your race, you don’t list all four nationalities. Come the fuck on! My mom is from Jamaica and my dad is puerto rican/Indian and African American. Even though there’s alot of mixes in there to create Gem (me), I’m still a black young woman. Be proud of your race ppl and stop trying to run away from the fact that your ass is black.#PSA

I’m want a baby!

I’m a lesbian who wants to have a baby in the near future. I want to do it the old fashioned way. No I’m not bisexual, but it’s less expensive and clinical. I have a guy friend that has volunteered to be a sperm donor. We’ve talked about it for some years now and I’m think I’m ready now. We talked about it again recently and I’m starting to realize that’s it’s just all about the sex with him. I know, ‘his a guy, what do you expect?’, but this is way more than just sex. He is helping me create life. He even said he wants the baby to know him as his/ her father, not just the ‘donor’. He tells me he just excited for the day that I’m ready. Then asks, ‘so, after you find out you’re pregnant, what happens?’. I simply told him that the mission would be accomplished. He obviously wants more sex after that. It’s like the whole purpose of us talking about the pregnancy plans, went in one ear and out the other. We’ve been friends for so long. He’s been there for most of my relationship since I’ve been out of the closet and he still tried to see if I would take penis just for kicks. Honestly, I look at men as dick, balls, and sperm. I don’t want it if I’m not getting a baby out of it. I don’t even want it at all, but it’s the most easiest and cheapest way to go when a gay woman is feeling maternal. I’m starting to have second thoughts now. I might just need to go the more expensive and clinical route. I need to see about the ‘Inseminator’ that the girls from ‘The Real L Word’ created. Am I the only lesbian going through this?

I want to cut my hair!

My hair is long and I’ve been tempted to cut it. It’s an on/off temptation. Reason being; I would think about how often I’d have to get my hair done to keep the cut fresh. I don’t have that kind of money, but the temptation is there. So what do I do to satisfy the urges? I get short layers. My hair would still be long, but the front and sides of my hair would look like I just got a fresh cut. The temptation and urges always creeps back up after about 2 or 3 weeks in. I’m tired of bypassing the whole thing. I hardly wear my hair anyways. After I’ve worn it out for a week or less, I put in a cute loose ponytail until I need to get it done again. Should I just go ahead and cut it?

Financial problems are turning me into a recluse

I’m working part time in customer service, freelancing graphic projects from time to time, and in search of further full time employment. Majority of my money comes from my part time job. Every month I make about $1,000 to maybe $1,500. Not enough to survive if you have bills, including rent. Which majority of the money goes towards. Because I haven’t been making enough and the company can’t afford to make me a full time employee, I have been forced to look for a second job. Times have been so hard. So bad that I haven’t been going out with my friends or even talking to them. All I’ve been doing for the past few months is look for work, interviewing, going to work, and going home. My life has been pretty boring. I am still surviving so I’m definitely not ungrateful. I’ve just been feeling a little ashamed. I don’t call my friends or try to hang out,simply because I know that money will be needed. Rather than express to them that I just don’t have it, I’d just stay in. I don’t like being in this rut. I don’t know how to do anything with little to no money. I don’t like wanting to go out and do something and feeling the need to worry about my gas and if it’ll last me for the rest of the week if I go out. Hopefully something will come through soon. I know I’m not the only one going through hard times, so I commend everyone who is working their butts off and still trying to make it.

you’re taking your gayness a little too far

0_o how exactly can you do that? If you’re gay, you’re gay! You can’t be too gay or not gay enough. Anyways! I’m a lesbian who enjoys dressing in men’s attire. I guess you can label me stud, stem, or androgynous. Doesn’t matter. I’ve always liked dressing this way ever since I was a kid. The only time I’d wear  a dress or skirt was on picture days, family occasions, etc. My mom had my brother and I dressed as twins on a daily basis, so… (trust, he wasn’t walking around looking like a girl). As I got older, my mom started telling me what to wear. She’d pick out my clothes to make sure I would look girly for the day ahead. I hated it! I wore fitted jeans, maybe some Valor sweats but sneakers and construction boots (Timberlands), that was all me. Semi-feminine/tomboy. My mom began throwing out my clothes and buying me new, more feminine clothes and shoes which left me no other choice but to wear what she wanted me to. I began to like it too. Once I started making my own money and had my own place with my own rules, I bought clothes that make me feel good and comfortable. I don’t want to be a boy or a man, I just like what I like.

Why is it that any wrong doing against me, remain justified because of my sexuality?

I’ve notices that ever since I came out of the closet that people acted differently towards me. My family treated me the same until they got upset with me about something. We would never be able to talk about the issue though. All of a sudden, I’m a ‘Dyke!’. It would come out of nowhere when they’d say it to me. I’ve never been called a ‘dyke’ by anyone, not to my face anyway. It really hurts having your family call you that especially after they seemed okay about your lifestyle. Then they have kids and they try to keep you away from them. Never really having a real reason why. But then I hear, ‘it’s not right that you’re gay and I don’t want my kid around you if your going to be gay.’. So I can’t be around some of my family because of the fact. True, that’s their kids and they can have them around whoever they want. But people are who they are, they aren’t going to change for the comfort of others. Me, being a lesbian or should I say ‘dyke for life’ (might as well wear the homophobic slur from a family member proudly), hasn’t hurt me in a mentally, emotionally, or even physically. It’s the fuckers that were apart of my life that I trusted and confided in, that hurt me. That,  ‘blood is thicker than water’ shit is pure bull. People that understand you and love you regardless whether they are family or not treat you better than assholes that  are so-called  family of yours. Everything can not be justified just because the wrong doing was against a gay man or lesbian woman. People need to get over themselves.