I know that the past is the past. But sometimes I wonder; what if I would’ve kept my mouth shut about my pregnancy when it came to my mother? What if I went to the Army base in Texas with my then bf? What if I married him and we raised our child together, knowing deep down that I was a lesbian? What if I took up another major in school? What if I chose an easier career goal? What if? It just seems like everyone is starting new lives and I’m standing still. I mean I’m job hunting for that graphic design position, I’m freelancing, I’m marketing myself and I’m still feeling like a failure. My peers are getting married and starting families. And to think, I almost had that. It kind of makes me wonder, “what am I doing?” I don’t want to be married to a man but I want a child. Three to be exact. I still have to get my shit together though. I want to get my legit graphic design job, I want to expand on my clientele, I want to save, and I want to start a family (whether I’m in a relationship or not). I’m tired of feeling like I’m not up to par. I know God has things set up for me so I’m going to keep doing me and hopefully all will come together soon enough. Just thought I’d vent a little.
November 1, 2011